haven't posted here in awhile

ok... started talkin to my ex again... long story there.
I have been talking to someone.. but the problem there is he lives in Minnesota. BUT as of right now things are pretty good... yeah we haven't met yet but things are progressing.

ok another boring ex boyfriend post.

The ghost labs he was on was on again. Figures can't even get thru a NYE without seeing his face right. As you know I've been thinking about him a lot. Had a dream about him also but that was probably because I had seen the ghost labs show again. I fell asleep around 9pm. My friend Alice called and woke me up right before midnight so I rang in the new year on the phone with her.
Since I went to sleep so early I've been up since 4am.
I need to be in a normal sleep schedule though I am watching my nephew saturday and he's spending the night and he's on a schedule so I can't mess that up.
Ok I had this whole post thought out earlier but now I can't remember what I was going to say about the ex. I guess that's a good thing right.
Other than that I hope everyone has a wonderful new year.

another damn dream

I just woke up from another dream about my ex. Seriously wtf is my subconscious trying to tell me.
It's really starting to get annoying. I need someone else to dream about for cryin' out loud.
Maybe the cough medicine and the sinus stuff I took are the culprit for this dream. It wasn't a bad dream mind you but it was still a dream about him.
Ok I just wanted to post really quick cus I am going to try going back to sleep now.

Pathetic yes I know...

Ok for awhile now I have been thinking about my ex. The last time I talked to him was in July. Then he called me a week or so later and I ignored the call. I haven't heard from him since but the last couple months I've been thinking about him so much.
Generally I hear from him 3 to 6 months from when we stop talking for whatever reason.
In October is when I started thinking about him a lot. I mean TONS. Then one night late October after I had spent the day in Michigan at my Aunt's house I see a commercial for the discovery show Ghost Labs and he was on it.
I mean it was strange I had been thinking about him sooo much then his face is on my tv. I thought maybe I might hear from him because of that. I didn't. I don't know if I am really disappointed about that though.
Ok in all honesty he is one person I didn't want to keep in touch with after we broke up. He hurt me badly and I just wanted to heal. WELL that never happened because every few months he'd find a way to get in touch with me. It's been this way since we broke up in late 2000. It's been this way for a long time where just when I'd feel like I was really getting over him that he'd come back into my life and then something would happen and we'd have a break again so it's a constant state of turmoil and never any true closure.
I still do love him. I won't lie. I don't love the asshole he can be but there are good parts of him that he likes to cover up and THAT is the person I will probably always love.
Ok I am sure it's because it's the holidays that I am thinking about him even more. I am sad that maybe this last time was the last time I will ever talk to him. I know it's been a long time coming that this break should have been what 10 years ago instead of now but now is the time I am feeling sad about not talking to him.
I know I can't let him fuck with my emotions any more but of course it still hurts and is sad.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this situation since most of my friends don't want to talk about him cus they pretty much hate him for the crap he's pulled with me over the years. I can't really blame them though. He's pulled major shit with me, I admit that.
He was probably my truest love. I never expected to fall him but I did and fell hard.
Last year when we were talking again he had said he still loved me, this really haunts me. Did he mean it? Was that all bullshit? This is what I think about every day lately. I know I shouldn't.
I won't be calling him no matter how much I want to. Believe me I've come soo close to calling him, but stop myself.
I know no one reads this blog and I don't really get all that personal on it for the most part but this is the blog I can be the most honest well besides some of the stuff I post on my one tumblr account. The songs,lyrics,movie quotes are all feelings I've had for him.
He once told me I speak in songs. When I couldn't find the words, I'd be sending him songs to listen to that explained or said how I pretty much felt. Songs can say much more than I ever could. It was just easier to send him some beautiful music to tell him how I felt. Music to me can reach a person so much deeper than just words or a letter. I have whole playlists of songs I've sent him that mean so much to me.. of course all sappy make you cry your eyes out songs.
Ok before I ramble any more I should stop. I haven't been to sleep yet and it's almost 10am sunday morning.
Why do I always totally fuck up my sleep schedule on weekends?? Then I spend the rest of the week trying to fix it just to fuck it all up again.

sad day in chicago history

Image via Wikipedia

Ok today is the anniversary of the Our Lady of the Angels school fire.
it's been 51 years since the fire.
My dad and aunt went to the school at the time of the fire. My Aunt was in the grade the ended up losing a lot of kids. She was actually supposed to have been in one of the classrooms that lost many many children. My grandparents had moved from the neighborhood but then moved back and my aunt wasn't in the room she should have been. She was due to be transferred into that classroom in a week or so. Her best friend Suzie was the worst burned and lived the longest after the fire. Suzie did end up passing away. My aunt has told me about the fire many times, she ended up staying after she got out of the school and witnessed some not so nice things. My dad was a year younger than her and went straight home he's never talked about it but anyone who knows my dad knows he never tells ANY stories about when he was a kid.
I read a book about the fire when i was in 3rd or 4th grade. A classmate (she was a bit older than my aunt) who was burned in the fire wrote a book called The Fire That Will Not Die (her name was Michele McBride in case anyone wants to look up the book it's back in print. I need to get it again I have no idea what happened to the two copies we had here) It's about her experiences as someone who was burned in the fire.
There is also another book called To Sleep With the Angels there is also a program called chicago stories on WTTW tonight (for those in chicagoland) that talks about the fire it's on one of the digital channels. On Comcast here in chicago it's on at 9pm on channel 243 if you don't have comcast it's on 11.2 (I think that's the from the OLAfire website they sent out an email about it being on.) I haven't been able to get thru the book Angels Too Soon it's just too sad but they do talk about the person who could be responsible for the fire. For a long time people blamed the janitor. My aunt has told me about the kid that they think did it. His family moved out of the neighborhood sometime after the fire.
The OLA fire site has pictures and lots of stuff on it. I've even found pictures of my dad and aunt with their classes in the photos and news area in the class photos area. Kinda weird to see my dad that little and in school lol.

it's happening again

my ex has been IMing me the past few days (he's even called)
he's all wanting me to have sex with him.. he wants a whole "no strings" casual deal. and for some reason with ME.
ok let me say again I have not had sex with him since we broke up.... we've kissed, fooled around briefly but nothing major.
I just do not understand why it has to be with me. i suggested he hook up with someone random. I mean he's not a bad looking guy.
it's times like this where i wish he was like other ex's that i never hear from after we break up.
it's just so hard to get over someone when they've never really let you do it.
He's told me he still loves me (in november) not sure if it was the truth, words are easy to say.
i told him tonight i was not interested in casual no strings kind of thing and he said he had nothing more to offer me so i was like ok BYE i haven't heard from him any more tonight. I guess we shall see if he contacts me tomorrow.

here we go again

Ok since no one reads this blog I can say what i want...
My ex IMed me tonight. I didnt respond so he called me. asking me to come over and pick up a bag i had loaned him then when i said no he dangled 25 dollars he also owes me i said no then of course he brings it to sex. I have not slept with the man since we broke up in 2000.
I just have no idea what to think of all this. I thought we were seriously done speaking after our fight in uum december. I should have known better though he thinks that a few months equals to not speaking forever or something. I have asked him repeatedly to pretend i have died and to never call me again.
one of the last times i spoke with him he had told me he still loved me. Now... I dont know if this is bullshit or actually true. He could just be saying this so I continue to talk to him cus you know misery loves company.
I just wish i understood his thinking in why he does this.
i mean ok yea he was like the love of my life my true love. I saw myself growing old with him.
I mean i seriously thought i had found the person I would be with and all this bullshit just fucking kills me.
I just wish i knew what to do.

tried doing a panorama pic of my desk

my desk is my vanity area so i have lots of makeup and different products at arms length within easy reach (especially stuff i use a lot. Toner, moisturizers, lip balms, lipglosses, perfume oil, powders)

ok so the panorama part didn't work all that well since my stuff is in more of a U shape around my "work area" of my desk. I tried doing more of a 360 shot but that didn't work either so this was the best i got.

here is a pic of my desk area (in front of a closet with the door taken off it's the second closet in my room and didn't get used much i need to hang a sheet or something over the door but in the closet on boxes i have my subwoofer for my computer speakers which is kinda nifty)

my dad goes to the doctor tomorrow.
I guess we will find out his chemo schedule or something. If he thinks he will be able to work thru chemo he's out of his tree.
I don't want to post much about this to my main blog because that is linked to my facebook and I have family on facebook and i don't know if really anyone is supposed to know yet.
I know these spots on my dad's liver are small but it still worries me.
He had a mass removed from his colon and NOW spots on his liver... this could just be the beginning of bad shit.
My dad is a smoker so I know that doesn't help things. My grandma (my dad's mother) passed away before she was even 60 from cancer. She had lung cancer. She was a smoker for years but had quit for at least 10 before she passed.
My dad has no intention of quitting. I mean after all his colon issues he still hasn't changed his eating habits for god's sake. You'd think he wouldn't want to have the same freakin' problems again. This is my father for ya. Stubborn and will only do what he wants to do even if it will kill him.
We've known this for years though. When he first started having issues. Kidney stones here other stuff there. Then the colon issue and he had the colostomy bag for quite a few months.
I told my mom ages ago that he'll never change and to get a nice big ole insurance policy on him cus at this rate he won't make it to old age.
Pretty fucked up huh. You'd think that someone who just had his first grandchild would want to at least stick around awhile. Maybe see the kid grow up.

SO WANT!!

OK... my birthday is coming up in May. I so want this new DSi.
since i don't have a smartphone or whatever I was even contemplating buying a dreaded ipod touch just for the wifi access... BUT since this is coming out I added it to my amazon wishlist(linked in the sidebar), not that anyone will buy it for me lol.
I will hopefully be skirting away money each week to save up for this bad boy since I must have it. I'd rather have this than a stupid apple product anyway.(but desperate times call for desperate measures hence my thinking of buying an apple product)

clipped from www.amazon.com Nintendo DSi

Ok I am debating on using this blog more....
I generally use livejournal BUT I guess I could use this journal too since no one reads this one I could in all honesty be able to say more here than I do over there.
I do post some things friends only over there though.
BUT since no one reads this it doesn't matter what I say here right.

I generally Post on Livejournal not blogger

if you want to read my journal the link is HERE

First post

ok i signed up to post a comment to Kaysar on the BB6 site.