Sunday, December 13, 2009

Pathetic yes I know...

Ok for awhile now I have been thinking about my ex. The last time I talked to him was in July. Then he called me a week or so later and I ignored the call. I haven't heard from him since but the last couple months I've been thinking about him so much.
Generally I hear from him 3 to 6 months from when we stop talking for whatever reason.
In October is when I started thinking about him a lot. I mean TONS. Then one night late October after I had spent the day in Michigan at my Aunt's house I see a commercial for the discovery show Ghost Labs and he was on it.
I mean it was strange I had been thinking about him sooo much then his face is on my tv. I thought maybe I might hear from him because of that. I didn't. I don't know if I am really disappointed about that though.
Ok in all honesty he is one person I didn't want to keep in touch with after we broke up. He hurt me badly and I just wanted to heal. WELL that never happened because every few months he'd find a way to get in touch with me. It's been this way since we broke up in late 2000. It's been this way for a long time where just when I'd feel like I was really getting over him that he'd come back into my life and then something would happen and we'd have a break again so it's a constant state of turmoil and never any true closure.
I still do love him. I won't lie. I don't love the asshole he can be but there are good parts of him that he likes to cover up and THAT is the person I will probably always love.
Ok I am sure it's because it's the holidays that I am thinking about him even more. I am sad that maybe this last time was the last time I will ever talk to him. I know it's been a long time coming that this break should have been what 10 years ago instead of now but now is the time I am feeling sad about not talking to him.
I know I can't let him fuck with my emotions any more but of course it still hurts and is sad.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this situation since most of my friends don't want to talk about him cus they pretty much hate him for the crap he's pulled with me over the years. I can't really blame them though. He's pulled major shit with me, I admit that.
He was probably my truest love. I never expected to fall him but I did and fell hard.
Last year when we were talking again he had said he still loved me, this really haunts me. Did he mean it? Was that all bullshit? This is what I think about every day lately. I know I shouldn't.
I won't be calling him no matter how much I want to. Believe me I've come soo close to calling him, but stop myself.
I know no one reads this blog and I don't really get all that personal on it for the most part but this is the blog I can be the most honest well besides some of the stuff I post on my one tumblr account. The songs,lyrics,movie quotes are all feelings I've had for him.
He once told me I speak in songs. When I couldn't find the words, I'd be sending him songs to listen to that explained or said how I pretty much felt. Songs can say much more than I ever could. It was just easier to send him some beautiful music to tell him how I felt. Music to me can reach a person so much deeper than just words or a letter. I have whole playlists of songs I've sent him that mean so much to me.. of course all sappy make you cry your eyes out songs.
Ok before I ramble any more I should stop. I haven't been to sleep yet and it's almost 10am sunday morning.
Why do I always totally fuck up my sleep schedule on weekends?? Then I spend the rest of the week trying to fix it just to fuck it all up again.
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